The Institute of Family Studies has brought out some of the latest facts and figures concerning relationships. This study offers a fascinating insight into what couples argue about most frequently. The results were pretty surprising since the assumption is that communication, sex and money are usually the top of the list.
A closer read of the study reveals that a lot of the disagreements come down to the issue of roles and responsibilities in a relationship. Tensions were felt especially when both partners worked full-time, but the home responsibilities weren’t evenly distributed. Chores came out as the number one issue!
It seems that tensions eased (but were still there) when one stayed at home and the other worked. The article suggests that people are resistant to change from the traditional male / female roles and responsibilities and this also causes some tension.
I guess what I have to say isn’t going to be in the popular stream of thought. I totally understand that there has been a long hard fight for equality and what I am going to say might sound as though I’m throwing that away. I’m not! Men and women were created differently, with different skill sets and abilities. A straight divide in the area of chores might not work out well as a result.
Roy and I have a system that works for both of us. We are both agreed on it, and it’s traditional in parts and non-traditional in others. The thing is we are both unique, we don’t fall into the typical stereotypes, but we do know our individual strengths and weaknesses. Roy and I play to our strengths and minimise the weaknesses. This is what it looks like for us:
In the garden
I grew up in a home which had a large garden. I have a clear idea of what is a weed and what isn’t a weed. Since Roy doesn’t have this talent for identification, it’s my job to weed the garden. Weeding is a job I endure but planting or transplanting plants I enjoy. Roy mows the lawn which he endures and digs which he enjoys.
Chores are often hard work, in fact, one of the meanings of the word chore is a routine, unpleasant task. There are going to be jobs you both hate, that’s life! We try to be fair regarding the endure/enjoy ratio of job allocations.
In the kitchen
Roy loves food, I mean he adores food! He is so interested in food that he doesn’t just like to eat it he likes to cook. He loves to experiment and comes up with some great dishes.
I love desserts, the sweeter the better! While Roy loves to cook savoury food he isn’t all that interested in the puddings. That’s where I come in; I like to bake, and that role generally falls to me.
Sometimes I endure making the main meal and sometimes Roy endures making something sweet, but mostly we play to our strengths and do what we are good at.
Of course, there are many more jobs that need to doing, but I hope you get the idea.
- Play to your strengths.
- Bring your unique skills to the table.
- Find the jobs you enjoy.
- If you enjoy doing something, then do it without complaint.
- Be willing to do the jobs you don’t enjoy so much.
- There are always going to be jobs you hate.
- Be fair! e.g. I clean the toilets, but Roy puts out the compost.
- Recognise you both win when you help each other.
- You are both tired, and both stressed.
- Help each other so you can both rest.
- When you are tempted to fight.
- Fight the temptation to be selfish.
- Fight for your marriage instead of fighting each other.
