Uncomfortable questions to ask before you get married - what about children?

You are both very much in love and are busy making plans for the big day. Your focus is probably not as far in the future as it should be. Have you taken the time to stop and check that you both want the same things from your life together?

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Are you planning on having a family?

Okay, so this one is a bit obvious. Of course, you have discussed if you will have a family together! Or, at least we hope you have but have you sat down and talked about when?

It is always a good idea to give your relationship a couple of years to grow before having children. This allows you time to adapt to life together, grow together and know each other at a deeper level without hormones and tiredness getting in the way. Even though you might feel that you know everything there is to know about each other, you’ve just scratched the surface. Believe me; there is much more you don’t know! It’s not a bad idea to have some ‘you’ time before having a family. Of course, life might surprise you! Are you prepared for that?

Questions to Discuss:
  • So when do you want to start a family?
    • Once you spent a few years together?
    • When you are financially secure?
      • What does financially secure mean to each of you? Be specific when answering this one!
      • What if that comfortable lifestyle eludes you due to factors beyond your control?
  • Have you a contingency plan if you get pregnant earlier than you planned?
  • How big will your family be?
  • What if you aren’t able to have children?
    • Would both of you be comfortable adopting?

Remember that the answers to these questions are not set in stone; neither do they form the clauses of a legal agreement. Rather they are there to give you both an understanding of how you each see your marriage developing.

Be honest with each other. If you don’t want any children then say that, don’t pretend to want children because you are worried it will be a deal breaker for your intended if you don’t. They will find out at some time and it is better to discover the truth before you get married.Ask the difficult questions but be willing to re-evaluate the answers periodically.

Ask the difficult questions but be willing to re-evaluate the answers periodically. Lainey and I were both keen to have a squad of kids but that all changed after five years of sleepless nights. We both re-evaluated our position and agreed on the size of family we were comfortable with.

By Roy Hitchman

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